Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of behaviours that typically involves periods of idealisation, devaluation, and discardment. This cycle is deeply ingrained in the mindset of a narcissist and is used to manipulate, control, and break down their victims emotionally. Understanding the narcissistic abuse cycle is essential for anyone who is experiencing this type of abuse or supporting someone who is. In this blog, we will break down the stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle and explore how to break free from it.
Stages of Narcissism
Narcissism is a personality trait that can exist on a spectrum, from mild tendencies to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The stages of narcissism in a relationship often follow a predictable pattern in which victims find themselves trapped.
The stages of narcissism typically involve the following phases:
Idealisation: In this phase, the narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal, showering them with affection, admiration, and compliments. This phase is often referred to as "love bombing," where the narcissist makes their victim feel special and indispensable.
Devaluation: As the relationship progresses, the narcissist's behaviour changes. They may start belittling their partner, criticising them, or withdrawing affection. The victim often feels confused and uncertain, trying to regain the admiration they once received.
Discard: In the discard phase, the narcissist emotionally or physically abandons their partner. This might occur after a period of escalating tension or happen suddenly. The victim is left feeling devalued, rejected, and often searching for answers.
Hoovering: After the discard phase, the narcissist may attempt to "hoover" the victim back into the relationship. This can involve promises of change, apologies, or love bombing all over again. The cycle then begins again, with the victim often feeling trapped and conflicted.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
The cycle of narcissistic abuse is characterised by repeating patterns of emotional manipulation, control, and devaluation. Victims often experience feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and emotional instability, which makes it difficult for them to break free from the relationship. The narcissist may alternate between being charming and loving to being cruel and cold, leaving the victim unsure of where they stand.
The cycle begins with idealisation, where the narcissist shows extreme affection and attention. This can feel overwhelming for the victim and is designed to make them feel validated and dependent on the narcissist. The narcissist then enters the devaluation phase, where they begin to tear down their partner emotionally. Criticism, manipulation, and insults are common during this stage, leaving the victim feeling inferior and insecure. After the victim has been sufficiently devalued, the narcissist may discard them, sometimes abruptly, leaving the victim heartbroken and confused.
The hoovering phase often follows, where the narcissist attempts to lure the victim back into the relationship. This cycle can be repeated indefinitely, with the victim becoming trapped in an emotional rollercoaster that erodes their self-esteem and sense of identity.
How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse is challenging but entirely possible with the right support and understanding. Victims of narcissistic abuse often feel stuck, manipulated, and confused, but acting is key to regaining control of their lives. Here are some steps that can help break the cycle:
Recognise the Abuse: The first step is acknowledging that you're in an abusive relationship. Understanding the patterns of narcissistic abuse—idealisation, devaluation, and discard—can help you recognise the manipulation for what it is.
Establish Boundaries: Setting firm emotional and physical boundaries is crucial for breaking the cycle. Narcissists often push boundaries to maintain control, so it's important to assert your limits and enforce them.
No Contact: If possible, cutting off all communication with the narcissist is the most effective way to break the cycle. This may mean blocking phone numbers and social media accounts or moving to a new location. Going "no contact" helps to stop the narcissist's ability to hoover you back into the relationship.
Seek Support: Narcissistic abuse often isolates the victim from friends and family. Reconnecting with a support network through therapy, support groups, or trusted individuals is essential for recovery. Support systems provide validation, healing, and accountability.
Focus on Healing: Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time. Therapy, self-care practices, and time away from the narcissist can help you rebuild your self-esteem and sense of self. Understanding that recovery is a process and being patient with yourself is crucial.
How to Devalue a Narcissist
Although it’s not recommended to engage in games or attempts to devalue a narcissist, as this can escalate the abuse and manipulate the situation further, there are healthier ways to stop enabling their behaviour:
Withdraw Validation: Narcissists thrive on admiration and validation. You can take away one of their primary power sources by no longer feeding into their need for constant praise.
Set Strong Boundaries: Narcissists often try to manipulate people by pushing boundaries. By setting clear and firm boundaries, you take control of the situation and stop allowing the narcissist to take advantage of you.
Stop Engaging in Arguments: Narcissists are often skilled at gaslighting and turning conversations to suit their needs. By disengaging from arguments and refusing to be drawn into their emotional games, you remove their ability to control the conversation.
Limit Emotional Responses: Narcissists feed off emotional reactions. If you remain calm, unemotional, and unaffected by their insults or manipulations, you deny them the emotional fuel they need to continue their behaviour.
Conclusion
The narcissistic abuse cycle is a devastating pattern that can trap victims in toxic relationships with little understanding of how to break free. By recognising the signs, understanding the stages, and taking steps to protect yourself, it’s possible to escape this cycle and heal from the emotional damage caused by narcissistic abuse. Whether through therapy, setting boundaries, or cutting contact, breaking free from a narcissistic relationship requires courage, self-compassion, and support.
Q&A
Q1: What are the stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle?
The stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle include idealisation (love bombing), devaluation (criticism and emotional neglect), discard (emotional or physical abandonment), and hoovering (attempts to reel the victim back in).
Q2: How do you break the cycle of narcissistic abuse?
Breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse involves recognising the abuse, setting firm boundaries, going no contact, seeking support, and focusing on healing and self-care.
Q3: Why do narcissists devalue their victims?
Narcissists devalue their victims to maintain control and superiority. After idealising the victim, the narcissist begins to undermine them to keep them dependent and emotionally vulnerable.
Q4: Can the narcissistic abuse cycle repeat itself?
Yes, the narcissistic abuse cycle often repeats itself, with the narcissist alternating between idealisation, devaluation, and discarding. Victims may find themselves trapped in this cycle for extended periods unless they take steps to break free.
Q5: How can you stop feeding into a narcissist’s behavior?
To stop feeding into a narcissist’s behavior, it’s important to withdraw validation, set strong boundaries, disengage from arguments, and limit emotional responses to their provocations.